Dear Ashley,
I have a fear of not documenting enough of you. I photograph you relentlessly; my hard drive is on the verge of crashing with all our home movies; I meticulously filled in the blanks of your baby book for you to cherish when you are older…and it still doesn’t feel like enough. I wonder if all parents experience this? Are they all afraid of missing something? Do they all wonder if it might suddenly end, and they don’t dare forget one single moment that they shared with their child?
Not all parents have children with a chronic and terminal illness, of course. I don’t personally know one other adult who knowingly made a choice to love and raise a child they might someday lose. I'm sure they are out there; I just don't know them. But I did make that choice, and the fear of waking up one day without you is very real to me, even in the happy and “healthy” moments… the fear is still there. I pray that you will sit down with this as a teenager or young adult and feel my love pouring through these lines, because it does. Oh, my darling girl, the adoration I have for you is just unbelievable. It fills me right up, and spills over any and everywhere that it can. You are my life. My greatest gift. My daughter.
Love and so much more,
Mommy
